The Power of No: Breaking Free from Guilt and Shame

Why we say yes when we want to say no and what to do about it. Steps to break free of guilt and shame when saying no.

Have you ever found yourself saying yes to something when you really wanted to say no? You're not alone! When we prioritize others' needs over our own, we sacrifice our own well-being, our goals and the life of our dreams. But why do we struggle to say no, even when it's what we truly want?

Let's explore the reasons behind our yes-when-we-mean-no habit and what we can do about it.

Why We Say Yes

Have you ever agreed to something and instantly regretted it? Yeah, same here.

So why do we do it?

• We don’t want to disappoint or let others down

• We fear rejection or abandonment

• We crave validation or approval

• We avoid conflict or confrontation

• We're conditioned by social norms

• We've had negative past experiences

• We struggle with low self-esteem

• We fear missing out (FOMO)

• We don’t want to appear as being selfish

• We were raised or taught to believe it is our duty to sacrifice ourselves for others.

  
  

---

The Shame Factor

Shame can also play a big role. We might feel unworthy or unlovable if we say no or obligated to prove ourselves.  We’re uncomfortable prioritizing ourselves. We may feel fearful of judgment or criticism. Chances are you have been shamed along the way. Maybe you were compared to your siblings or the neighborhood kids, with the emphasis being that you weren’t measuring up in an area. Maybe you grew up in an environment where in saying no to an activity you really didn’t want to do resulted in you being ridiculed, shamed, then guilted until you said yes.

But shame and fear are not reasons to say yes. In fact, they're reasons to say no.

Here's another thing: saying yes when we mean no can actually be self-serving. We might think we're being kind or accommodating, but really, we're prioritizing others' needs over our own to avoid discomfort or gain approval. That's not selflessness; that's fear-based people-pleasing and any feeling of relief or comfort you receive from it is temporary.

You will be angry with yourself; your shame will go into overdrive wondering why you just can’t stand up for yourself and most likely will result in you resenting and withdrawing from the other person eventually anyway which will create its own guilt and shame.

As you can see, the only result here was to prolong the inevitable; the cycle of shame and guilt continues and the pain and discomfort of ‘disappointing’ the other person comes anyway except now you probably have resentment built up and lash out in the process when saying no this time.

---

Breaking Free

So how do we break from saying yes when we mean no? Here's how:

Recognize your patterns. Identify situations where you say yes when you want to say no. Grab a piece of paper, your journal or computer and ask yourself the following questions:

What am I afraid will happen if I say no?

Rejection? Abandonment? Conflict? Loss of a friend?

What do I hope to gain by saying yes?

Approval? Validation? Love? Acceptance? Avoiding something such as rejection, abandonment, or conflict?

What negative self-beliefs or self-talk am I perpetuating, or confirming, by saying yes?

“I’m not worthy of prioritizing myself” or “I don’t deserve to be happy”, or “They were right, I am weak and can’t stand up for myself”, or “I’m a bad person, I need to atone for my past failings and deserve to be punished”.

What past experiences or traumas are contributing to my people-pleasing habits?

Bullying, abuse in childhood or adulthood that created my need for validation or approval. Past relationships where boundaries were consistently disrespected or ignored? Did you experience gaslighting or manipulation, leading to self-doubt and a constant need for reassurance?  Was it experiencing a significant loss or abandonment? Maybe you grew up in an environment or culture where assertiveness was discouraged or even punished.

What are my core values, and am I compromising them by saying yes?

An example here could be that someone asks you to help with a project that doesn’t align with your personal goals or beliefs or at the very least is distracting you from doing the things you need to do in order to move towards your own goals. Ask yourself, does saying yes to these requests bring me closer to my goals or distract me from them? Am I using this request as a form or procrastination or avoidance from the things I need to do?

What would I say to a friend in this situation?

What’s the worst that could happen if I say no?

What’s the best that could happen if I say no?

Am I prioritizing others’ needs over my own because I feel responsible for their happiness?

What self-care practices or boundaries do I need to establish to prioritize my own well-being? Do I need to set any of those boundaries with myself?

Asking yourself these questions can help you uncover the underlying motivations and beliefs driving your behaviour, allowing you to address the root cause and develop healthier habits. Remember to be gentle with yourself, self-reflection is a process and sometimes a difficult one.

Once you have done the above exercise you can now take the steps towards breaking free. Learning to say no is like building a muscle – it takes practice! The more you honor yourself by saying no to the things that don’t align with your core values or goals, the easier it gets. Start small and stay consistent.

Acknowledge and release shame. Practice self-compassion and forgive yourself for the habits or behaviours you had to develop to survive. You did the best you could with the resources you had at the time, which is not a reflection of who you are today.

Challenge negative self-talk. For example you might think “I’m a failure.” Is this thought really true? What are the facts? Regardless of the negative self-talk, grab a piece of paper and write down a few examples of times in your life that confirm the negative self-talk you just had with yourself. Now, for each of those examples, write down three that prove otherwise. When you are done, erase the negative points and read your list.  This is how you flip the script.

---

Embracing the Power of No

So, what's the takeaway? You've learned it's totally okay to say no and prioritize your own needs. You've figured out why you sometimes say yes when you mean no (hello, people-pleasing!), and how to break that habit.

Saying no is a sign of self-love and respect. Let's face it, saying no can be really hard. We don't want to disappoint others or seem like we're not a team player. But here's the thing: saying no is actually a pretty powerful way to take care of ourselves.

When we say no, we're setting boundaries and prioritizing our own needs. We're saying, "Hey, I've got my own stuff going on, and I need to focus on that."

Saying no doesn't mean we're being selfish or rude. It just means we're being intentional with our time and energy.

Now, you're equipped to silence that negative inner voice, be kinder to yourself, and make choices that truly matter to you. Remember, saying no isn't selfish – it's self-care. Own your no, and get ready for healthier relationships, less stress, and a more authentic you!

So, let's all try to say no a little more often. Let's make it a thing. No apologies, no excuses, no justifying. Just no. And you know what? When we say no to others, we're saying yes to ourselves. And that's a pretty amazing feeling."

Remember, saying no is a complete sentence! Start embracing the power of no and live the life you truly want.