Boundaries: What They Are and Why We Need Them

Setting boundaries is important for your well-being and the health and well-being of your relationships.

I remember when on my first appointment with my therapist in the Spring of 2021, Faith went through a questionnaire to gain initial information about me and the reason I was there and she asked, “how are your boundaries?”  I laughed and replied, “What boundaries?” I then explained that I did actually have boundaries but that I rarely enforced them.

Why didn’t I enforce them? Well, it was easier not to. Because of my past and my complex PTSD, I was a people pleaser, I wanted to be loved. It was easier to just do the thing the other person wanted rather than create conflict. Now, I want to note that setting boundaries may cause conflict but that’s not your fault. The only reason a person will be upset with your boundaries is because they were benefiting from you not having any, that’s on them.

The by-product in my life of not enforcing boundaries was that I was disappearing. I was becoming a shadow of my old self and didn’t know how to get myself back. The truth is though that even if I had known how to get my old self back, at the time I didn’t have the focus or will to do it because I was so fearful of how life would likely change if I turned my world upside down.

My world was turned upside down anyway.

The only time Faith and I butted heads was when we were discussing me and the things I enjoy doing and I spoke about how much I used to love cooking traditional Sunday dinners, decorating the house for each season, etc., and to me, she appeared to criticize that I liked to cook and care for my family. I was upset by that and as we debated this back and forth though, with me digging my heels in further and further and insisting that I was not going to change that about myself because it was one of the parts I love about myself, she finally said something along the lines that it is ok to do nice things for people and to help people but when those gestures become expected instead ofappreciatd, and that person feels entitled to it then punishes you for not doing it, that is when you absolutely MUST place a boundary.

Ding, ding, ding, ding! The bells went off in my head and I could clearly see what she was trying to get me to understand. I still live by that lesson today.

With the exception of minor children, there is not a single person on this earth that is entitled to your time, energy, or resources. Not your husband or your wife, not your parents or your adult children, not your boss or your manager, not your co-workers or your friends. Those resources are yours to give freely as your heart leads you to do.

I know I will get pushback on that last statement so let me clarify. Of course, we have roles and responsibilities when it comes to the list of people I mentioned above, but it has to be balanced. If one party is constantly demanding everything be done on their terms or their time table, that is not an equal exchange. On top of that, if that same person punishes you, that is manipulation and abuse, and you need to draw a line in the sand immediately.

But isn't setting boundaries a punishment towards the other person?

No.

Punishment is designed to control the other person’s behaviour; boundaries protect ourselves when someone else’s behaviour towards us is harmful to our mental or physical wellbeing.

Boundaries are not ultimatums either. An ultimatum includes a threat or retaliation. A boundary is a refusal to accept poor behaviour from another person, is not communicated with anger or spite and once set will actually deepen your relationships because you will be interacting in a way that is built on a foundation of trust and genuine motivations.

Boundaries are not rules either, rules require compliance. Boundaries are not about compliance, instead, they are a refusal to accept certain behaviours from others.

Boundaries are not manipulative. Manipulation is playing on someone’s fears or emotions to force them to do something you want them to do. We set boundaries to protect ourselves when someone isn’t treating us with respect.

Expect to deal with pushback and probably anger, don't let that stop you.

Anyone in your life who is currently benefiting from your lack of boundaries is going to pushback and most likely be angry. That’s ok. Respond with love and empathy but stand your ground, don’t let them drag you into the anger and certainly don’t get caught up in a tit for tat battle where you respond to an insult with an insult. If the person is being particularly mean or abusive, don’t respond at all, your inaction will in and of itself teach the other person how you expect to be treated.

Many years ago, I stopped talking to my biological father. He was an alcoholic and not a nice one. At first, I stopped engaging when he was drinking, but because I wouldn’t talk to him during those times, he would leave horrible voicemails. The messages became so nasty, with one time him telling me to “die you little bitch”, causing me to cut ties with him altogether.

I received pushback for that decision. I was frequently told that he was my father and for that reason alone I should accept his behaviour and allow him into my life. Here’s the thing, would we say that to a young child being abused? Would we tell them they had to love that person and tolerate abusive behaviour just because he is their daddy? I should hope not! But we as a society have no problem guilt-shaming an adult child for drawing that line. He wasn’t viewed as a bad person for his actions towards me, but I was seen as selfish for not tolerating it.

The pushback did not change my stance, but sadly it did affect my relationships with the people pushing back.

"If someone gets angry because you set a boundary, that is evidence the boundary was needed." – Unknown

What boundaries should I set?

Our boundaries are as unique as we are, and you won’t come up with a list in one sitting. Spend time reflecting on what your values are and what is important to you. Often, we develop a boundary because we have experienced a hurtful behaviour from someone else.

You might decide to block a couple of hours each day to focus on a project you’re working on, or that you are going to exercise three times each week, or even limit your screentime, these are internal boundaries.

You might refuse to engage with someone who is being hurtful, turn down a hug from an acquaintance if you’re uncomfortable with that physical contact or say no to something if we already had plans to do something else, these are external boundaries.

Non-negotiable boundaries typically centre around safety. For example, non-negotiable boundaries might be that you are not going to get in a car with a driver who has been drinking. Not starting you car if your children aren’t wearing their seatbelts. Not tolerating abuse of any kind from another person.

You may have noticed that I mentioned non-negotiable boundaries, inferring that some boundaries are negotiable. Yes, you may have to compromise so that both parties are treated fairly, just make sure it is a true compromise where all sides benefit and that you are not simply being manipulated into complying with the other person’s demands.

Boundaries benefit everyone involved.

Setting boundaries is hard especially if you haven’t had them up to this point, but it is so worth it. They help us build trust, safety, and respect within relationships and if it has the opposite effect, understand that person doesn’t truly have your best interest at heart, they have their own agenda at heart. They have been conditioned (maybe by you) that they are entitled to have what they want, when they want it and now you are taking that power away from them and giving it back to yourself.

Keep going, your well-being and the health and well-being of your relationships depends on it.