Breaking Free: Reclaiming Your Identity After Trauma

Understanding the Silent Influence of Past Relationships

Right up until this past week, I thought I was still under his control. The judgment, the criticism, and the feeling of never quite measuring up were like chains binding me. The intentional silence when I didn’t speak echoed loudly in my mind.

But then I realized something: I wasn’t actually under his influence anymore. He’s gone. Yet somehow, the grip felt the same.

Every decision, every hesitation, and every time I second-guessed myself or apologized for simply existing, it was as if he still lingered in the room—even though he hadn’t been part of my life for years.

Triggers and Trauma Responses

A simple, harmless text triggered all my old trauma wounds. It brought back the fear of not measuring up and the fear of judgment and criticism. This wasn’t just in my mind—my body reacted dramatically. I got a headache and felt my stomach recoil. Nausea washed over me, and I began shaking as adrenaline surged, thrusting me into fight-or-flight mode.

The total anxiety that gripped me pushed me to grab my journal. I needed to process my overwhelming feelings. What unfolded was a powerful shadow work session filled with invaluable realizations. Some insights were so profound they deserve their own space and time to explore.

A Profound Realization

As cleansing and expansive as that shadow work was, a few days later, I had yet another deep epiphany that hit me like a punch to the gut:

It isn’t him that’s controlling me.

It’s the version of me he broke—the one who still lives inside my nervous system. She learned to shrink herself, to avoid conflict, and to abandon her needs for the sake of peace. This version of me reacts to perceived danger and has almost forgotten the essence of truly living.

That version of me? She has been steering the ship all along.

Embracing My Inner Warrior

I love that part of me. She’s a warrior. She kept me going against all odds. Over the years, she found ways—both beneficial and harmful—to adapt to difficult circumstances. However, she was forged in a war zone, and I no longer live there.

She’s the reason I still feel the urge to stay silent, to keep my world tightly locked down, and to remain hidden. She’s the reason I’ve feared speaking my truth online—not because he’ll come back, but because she remains terrified of what happens when I’m fully seen.

This realization is core-wound alchemy, a truth powerful enough to stop women in their tracks. Many of us are still battling shadows from the past instead of confronting the actual people who caused our pain.

When we acknowledge, "it’s not him anymore, it’s the version of me he broke," we touch something sacred and painful:

The trauma doesn’t need the abuser to still be present in order to keep playing out. The echoes of the past resonate inside us, especially when we haven’t made peace with that fractured version of ourselves created in survival.

The Challenges of Undoing the Past

That version of me learned to anticipate explosions and smooth everything over before they could start. She learned to tiptoe around my needs so silently that even I couldn’t hear them anymore. She equated love with fear, control with safety, and silence with peace.

She worked hard to keep me safe but did so at a terrible cost: my freedom.

So, what’s truly happening beneath the surface? It’s like having an outdated operating system still running in the background. Though the man is gone and the relationship is over, the code remains active.

Healing Beyond Leaving

When a woman leaves a toxic relationship, she often thinks the worst is behind her. However, no one talks about how the voice of the abuser becomes internalized. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

Suddenly, you find yourself back in familiar territory:

• Second-guessing yourself like before.

• Feeling guilty for living your life, just as he once weaponized your joy.

• Tiptoeing around your truth, afraid it might “offend” someone, just as you tiptoed around him.

  
  

But now?

You’re doing it to yourself.

This version of me that was shaped in crisis has held the wheel for too long. She has driven my responses, fears, hesitations, and decisions. I don’t blame her; I acknowledge that her defenses are no longer necessary.

Next Steps in the Journey

So, what now?

• You meet her.

• You love her.

• You assure her she no longer has to protect you.

• You thank her for her hard work in keeping you safe.

• You integrate her into your being.

  
  

Then, you take the keys back.

Healing isn’t just about leaving the relationship; it’s about reclaiming the parts of you that still believe you’re stuck in it.

Moving Towards Authenticity

Here’s what I know now: I don’t need that version of me in the driver’s seat anymore. I no longer have to be led by a self who was designed to endure pain.

I’m not just enduring anymore; I’m becoming.

I’m becoming the woman who speaks her mind and doesn’t brace for impact. The woman who stops apologizing for the life she’s rebuilding. She’s the one who doesn’t fear others’ opinions or judge her past self’s limitations.

I am finally free. I was never really under his control—not in this moment. I was under hers. Now, I get to thank her and let her know she can finally rest.

She doesn’t need to protect me anymore, because I’m finally remembering who I truly am.

If this message resonates with you, I see you. You’re not broken; you’re awakening. If you’re ready to reclaim your voice, your power, and your life on your terms, you don’t have to do it alone.

Reach out. I’m here. We do this work together.